I’m a Female Dragonborn and I Don’t Have Breasts

Look at my flat chest. Why is it flat? Because I don’t have breasts. Did I lose them in a rousing sword fight? No. Is it a birth deformity? No. Did I have a cleric perform a body augmentation spell on me? Nope. I don’t have breasts because I’m not a mammal. I don’t feed my hatchlings milk from my body. I have no physical need for breasts. I don’t nurse my young because that’s not how Dragonbornfolk anatomy works. 

Maybe you’re not familiar with the Dragonborn race, but what about lizards? In the end, we Dragonborn are simply large, bipedal, tailless lizards. When was the last time you saw a lizard scampering across the sand, its large, plump breasts bumping over pebbles until it found a hot rock to rest them on? Never. You’ve never seen that because it doesn’t exist. Dragonbornfolk and lizards don’t have breasts because we lay clutches of eggs and our young can fend for themselves. 

Why would you expect me to have breasts? Oh, that’s right, because all of your favorite video games and movies have given me mammalian breasts because who cares about the functional anatomy of imaginary female Dragon characters? As long as my armor is skimpy and I have breasts, the mammals will like me, right? Well, fuck you, I don’t have breasts and I like myself a lot. My parents like me, my husband likes me, my children like me, and the thousands of Dragonfolk I have lead into battle respect the hell out of me and my boob-less body because I am good at what I do. 

I’m sick of being sexualized and stereotyped by mammalian media. I’m strong, beautiful, and breast-less. So suckle on that! 

I’m a Female Dragonborn and I Don’t Have Breasts TAKE 2

I’m a female Dragonborn and I don’t have breasts. Go ahead, take look at me. See my chest? Notice the lack of lumpy fat mounds in my shirt? I even folded my arms so you could see how I don’t have breasts even when I’m accentuating my chest area. I’m still pretty badass, right? Of course, I am. And you know what, I don’t need breasts as an identifier of my femaleness because I’m not a mammal and I have no use for breasts. 

I see these other Dragonbornfolk with breasts and I’m not judging them, it’s their right to have clerics and wizards perform molecular augmentation spells to change their body into whatever shape they’d like, but what do they do with them? It’s just fat hanging off of their body. From what I’ve heard at the tavern, they can’t even store any acid or venom in them. I’d imagine it makes hand-to-hand combat cumbersome. They’re purely decorations. I guess they can help warm part of a clutch of eggs, but then what? 

It’s just odd, the way these breasted Dragonfolk have had their aesthetics and cultural identity morphed and distorted by the mammalians’ plays, songs, and desires. It’s bad enough we’ve taken to wearing clothing like them, but to change our bodies? This feels too far for me. But I don’t know, maybe there’s something to it? I want to show my hatchlings that they do not have to conform to mammal standards and that they’re perfect just the way they are. 

I’m a Female Dragonfluencer and I Don’t Have Breasts TAKE 3

As a breast-less Dragonfluencer, I’m never going to conform to mammalian beauty standards. I’m proud of my body, and my Insta likes prove that a lot of other creatures agree with me! This is what confidence looks like. 

Author’s Note

Normally, when I write something like this, I’ll write 3 to 10 versions, then pick and choose bits and pieces from all of them to shove into the one I found myself gravitating toward to make one tight, or jumbled piece because, well, most websites don’t want you to do three different versions of the same joke article. But I sent the two I liked most to my friend Brady for some quick feedback and he said, “Well, I like both but for different reasons.” And while talking it through, I realized I don’t have to make one. There are no rules here. No advertisers to please, no bosses to give notes, no one telling me not to put an author’s note at the end of an article, no reason not to do whatever my gut tells me would be fun. Well, my gut told me to go for these three and I hope you had as much fun reading them as I had writing them. 

So that’s the first issue. Silly, right? Sometimes these will be longer, sometimes they’ll be shorter. Maybe they’ll be more serious, maybe they’ll be sillier. At the moment, I’m aiming to get an issue out twice a week. If you enjoyed this, please, share it with all of your friends and a select, curated group of your enemies. The future plan is to get my smarter, funnier, and more talented friends involved to help bring content I couldn’t possibly imagine to your eyeholes. 

Thanks for reading.